he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
