One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
