I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
