I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
