Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
