you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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