the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
