you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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