drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
