If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
