Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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