Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
