does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Randomize
