I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
