Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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