Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
