It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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