Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
