Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
