the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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