Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
