they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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