lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize