Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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