If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
