My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
