Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm jealous of your bromance
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
