I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
