we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
