i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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