I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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