the condom got lost in my hair
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
