that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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