When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm at about main and main street
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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