How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just invented taco cereal.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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