Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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