Your face is a jimmy john
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
