i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
