If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
