I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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