My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
