Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
