If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
