What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
