im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
