I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
