May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize