and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
