I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
