i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
