Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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