he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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