The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
